Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
