can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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