Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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