i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
