For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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