morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
