You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize