I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
