Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
