did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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