Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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