Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
