Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You are the jesus of drinking
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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