The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize