I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I only lived at night.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
