i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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