god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
