I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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