I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
