for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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