she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
