I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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