Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
