No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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