I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
