Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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