I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
