turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
