you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
