he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
