She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
