So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
