He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
