you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
