When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
