Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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