the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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