I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
