remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
