You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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