Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize