My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
