WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
