Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
