did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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