So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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