I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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