you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
