My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
