i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
