I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
