I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
