I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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