We won't sleep together?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
