i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
