She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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