those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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